LONDON ———-> DEHLI ———-> BANGKOK
What the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing.
This is the question which I have asked myself on more than one occasion in the past two years, but in this moment, it seems particularly pressing.
Last year I did the same thing, but rather, I packed up my things and went west to Mexico. That didn’t pan out for a variety of reasons – uncertainty, culture shock, loneliness, lack of direction, too much queso in my diet – pick one.
Yet here I am hitting the reset button once more, except now I’m heading to Asia.
I can’t help but feel that this is another in a line of extra irresponsible decisions that I’ve made in my adult life.
What makes me believe that my fears, my failures, my inadequacies, will be alleviated by simply upping to a new place? Did I not learn my lesson in Mexico?
Where ever you go, there you are. You can’t run away from your problems.
These are my thoughts as I stare out the window my bus, which is headed towards Heathrow Airport.
This uncertainty had been consuming my mind for a long time. My thoughts were flooded with self-doubt as I booked a one-way ticket to Bangkok, but this feeling of being lost has been with me for a long time.
Direction can’t be found sitting at home twiddling your thumbs. Or more accurately, with your feet up watching Netflix. So I rationalise this decision as ‘change is good’. Because actually, change is always a good. Even if you’re just winging it like me.
I am, what most grounded people might describe as a ‘spoilt millenial’, a classification with which I cannot entirely disagree. Some might use the term ‘hipster’, but that’s where I take offence.
I’m not satisfied with just paying the bills. I don’t want to sit in an office for 40 hours a week, and make stupid jokes about my boss behind her back. I never want a mortgage, or boiler insurance. I have a student loan, but I’m expecting/hoping it will eventually disappear.
What do I want out of life? I want to learn double-backflips, read Dostoevsky, become a monk and start a nu-jazz quartet. And other silly aspirations that I’ll discover next week. Do you know how difficult it is to learn a double backflip? You can’t do it if you have the hips of desk jockey.
I sound like a 12 year old don’t I? Oblivious to reality. ‘GET A JOB’, says society. But that’s fine with me. As weak and poorly thought out as they are, I have plans.
And by god, I want to pursue things that make me excited, and scare the living shit out of me. I want to Get Rich, or Die Tryin’, or something along those lines.
So at the grand old age of 30, I’ve negligently moved to Thailand.
It’s cheap to live here. I’ve rented an ‘apartment’ (condo/hotel room) and it has a fridge. The fridge is empty, except for some bananas in the freezer bit. Yes, frozen bananas – let me show you the way.
I don’t have much of an income, and my financial runway is not very long, although I can afford a Rice Cooker.
I’ve had to make sacrifices. I left my family and friends behind, and for all it’s troubles, I will miss my country.
I’m currently located in Chiang Mai (and in case you’re wondering – I have no religious affiliation.), which might have the most amount of Vloggers per square mile than anywhere else in the world.
Most importantly, it’s friendly and affordable. And it has many, many coffee shops. Which is hugely important.
I want to making writing my business, and I want to create. Useful things. But I’m fully aware that, like so many westerners here in the city, I spend too much time with my head in clouds. I’m a dreamer, and a procrastinator of epic proportions.
This has to change, for my sanity and for my future. For my future sanity. I need to start executing. When it comes to business, or self development, or relationships, or anything for that matter, analysis is a pit of frustration. Assessment only leads to deep rabbit holes that involve Reddit and Youtube.
Here’s to starting over. This time it has to work.
Here’s my parting piece of cheese:
In whatever decisions we make, all we can do is be bold.