A Letter From Behind The Curtain


11th October 2017

Dearest Mother,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I write to you on the eighth day of this great Eastern European expedition, upon which I’ve embarked.  Surely did I arrive in the Kingdom of Bulgaria, Wednesday the last.

My vessel was that of Wizzair, a large Hungarian aviation machine that carried me to this new land for the exceptionally reasonable sum of forty one British pounds and ninety nine pence.

The journey was smooth and comfortable, although it began not without challenges.  Prior to departure, a fellow passenger became engaged in a dispute with the stalwarts of the airship.  From my perspective, it would appear that the gentleman in question had most certainly not abided by the the strict baggage allowances, and was thus at fault.  Yet his riposte was firm and powerful.  A mere utterance of the phrase, ‘You will have to forcibly remove me’ swiftly resolved the dispute in his favour.

I would suppose that the use of aggression by aeroplane proprietors on our good citizens makes for adverse public relations?  This is all I can surmise.

After which there was a small delay of an hour and 5 minutes, for reasons which remain unexplained.

Nonetheless, my arrival in this foreign land was confirmed, and the last week has been spent adapting to my new surroundings. 

My journey thus far has taken me from the foremost city of Sofia, to the ancient settlement of Plovdiv, and back.


The Old Plovdiv Amphitheatre, soon to be renamed the T-Mobile Arena.


In this time I have witnessed grand structures of old, quaffed the finest Bulgarian wines, tickled my palate with an array of pastries and cheeses, and hunched with exasperation over my portable internet computer, attending to my ever-depreciating online business.

Even in these bleak times, I remain hopeful of its future.  I do not wish to return to the humble work of the coalmines, or the tragic life of office serfdom.

You shall be pleased to hear that the rumours in the West are very much true – the information network here works as it is supposed to, with even the most humble establishments offering in excess of forty megabytes per one second.  It is truly a technological feat, in perfectly normal working order, to behold.


Most pleasing


What more can I tell you at this time?

The natives are bold and beautiful people.  It would perhaps be a falsehood to say they are friendly.  That is not to say that I haven’t met any cordial locals, for surely I have.  Rather, there is a steely, stoic demeanour amongst them, with ticketing agents in particular presenting a contemptuous scowl towards yours truly.

My journey has afforded me new companions from lands across this vast globe, however.  To travel, and rendezvouz with other intrepid souls is truly an enriching experience.  There are, sadly, cases of individuals being quite strange and conceited.  Perhaps this is merely a lack of connection and understanding between them and oneself?  Perhaps.  Or it could be that they are remarkable shitheads, of the kind which thou is not accustomed to.  Forgive me mother, my mouth is crude, and I am persevering to eliminate such unsavoury talk.


A rare colour photograph of a domesticated furry creature (of which there are many) attempting to steal an automobile, taken with the Xiaomi Redmi Note 4 device. I should certainly use this mode more often!


Further woe has been ever present in the form of the Bulgarian Cyrillic language, a text which one cannot decipher.  Although there are many educated young heads that are savvy to the pure language of the English, procuring a Shawarma in the late hours, from a wooden menu devoid of pictures, can be troublesome. 

Regrettably, I have been struck down with some sickness in these first days.  I was greatly concerned at first, presuming I had contracted the disastrous Eastern Head Rot Disease.   With continued, and less hysterical consideration though, I have concluded that the condition is closer in symptoms to that of the Western flu.  Though this malady has sapped my body of vigour, spirits remain decidedly high.

The frozen temperatures which I had anticipated prior to arrival remain nothing more than figment of my imagination, and a tribute to my lack of research.  For it is tolerable here, even warm during the middle hours.  Fortunately my idle ways paid off this time, as I certainly do not need that triple-insulated full-body sheepskin garment that I had planned on bringing, after all.  Additionally, it was unquestionably the correct choice to leave my cane and top hat at home, as neither appear to be in vogue in the East.

I was able to briefly converse with Father at his Spanish outpost, and he appears to be keeping well.  His days continue to be rich with very affordable fermented yeast drinks, and walking based Foot-Ball.

My journey will continue East, to the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, where I shall endure with my search for visual wonder, foreign wisdom, and cafes that will let me reside for four or more hours at a time.

Due to unsettled oceans of the Adriatic Sea, this letter may not reach you until the month of November, a time in which I shall be in the land of Bosnia and Herzegovina, or Serbia, or in Pakistan.  The latter would seem unlikely, but my decision-making and emotional states are wild and ever-changing, like the winds of the east.

I shall await your response with much anticipation.  Feel free to correspond via Whatsapp, if that’s less complicated.

Lovingly, your son.


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