The International Court of Travel Injustice has been created to resolve unnecessary lawsuits based on petty travel frustrations. The Court is not recognised by any authority, or by anyone, anywhere, in fact. Therefore it does not follow traditional procedures, and is largely a farce.
Today’s trial is a civil dispute between hyper arrogant blogging empire Before Your Job Kills You, and a humble Kosovan Bus Driver. Representing the Plaintiff is Attorney of Law Mary Gibson, of powerhouse New York based Firm, Lowes and Rowden. Major overkill, but whatever gets the job done. Representing the Defendant is his Bus Attendant.
All Rise! The International Court of Travel Injustice is now in session.
Judge Nav Osok presiding. Please be seated.
Judge: Good day Ladies and Gentlemen. Calling the case of Before Your Job Kills You versus a humble Kosovan Bus Driver. Today’s session will be entirely in English. The defendant only speaks Albanian and will be using a translator where necessary.
Gibson: Your Honour, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, the defendant is being charged with not taking my client to the location stated at the point of purchase of his bus ticket. During the sale of said ticket, the defendant agreed to take my client from the Albanian city of Tirana, to the Kosovan city of Prizren. The defendant did not fulfil this promise, instead taking my client to the city of Pristina. In doing so, he broke the verbal contract agreed upon during the sale. My client is suing the defendant for the sum of ten Euros, which includes a return bus ticket, accommodation fines, and emotional damages.
Judge: Thank you. Now the defendant, please give your opening statement
*Bus Attendant stands and shuffles some paperwork *
Bus Attendant: PREZREN? PRISHTINE! PRISHTINE!
Translator: I don’t believe that needs translating, your honour.
Witnesses and Evidence
Judge: Plaintiff, you may call to the stand your first and only witness.
Gibson: Thank you your honour. I call to the stand, Swedish Girl who was on the bus and probably also a traveller of some kind.
*Swedish Girl who was on the bus and probably also a traveller of some kind, walks to the stand*
Please state your name for the court.
Swedish Girl: I have a name, but it was never asked of me. So I remain anonymous.
Gibson: I understand. Miss Swedish Girl – Did you talk to my client at any point before the bus journey?
Swedish Girl: Yes, only briefly. He asked me if I was going to Pristina. And then I asked him where he was going.
Gibson: And what did he say?
Swedish Girl: Prizren. He said he was going to Prizren.
Gibson: Aha. And Miss Swedish Girl – did you see my client as you arrived in Pristina.
SG: Yes, he was on the bus as we arrived in Pristina. He looked pissed off.
Gibson: Thank you. That’s all, your honour.
Judge: The defence, you may now cross-examine the witness.
Bus Attendant: PRIEZREN? NOO PRESHTINE!
Judge: Mr Bus Attendant, is this your only question of the witness?
BA: PRIZRIEN PRIZRIEN NOOOO. PRISTINE!
Judge looks confused. Translator just gets up and walks out of the room.
Judge: You know let’s just move on with examination of the victim and accused. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can apply for a proper job.
Examination of The Victim
Mrs Gibson, please proceed with examination of the victim.
Gibson: I would like to call to the stand the haughty owner of Before Your Job Kills You, Mr Chris Surname.
Mr Surname, could you please describe how events unfolded on Monday evening
Mr Surname: Of course. Shortly before 1pm, I went to the Tirana travel agency and purchased a one way ticket to Prizren, Kosovo. Then I dossed around for about an hour before going to a nearby bakery, where I bought some Burek. Burek is like this pastry pie thing you get everywhere in the Balkans. At first, I couldn’t decide what sort of Burek to get. I had already tried the…
*The Bus Attendant pounces to his feet and miraculously finds some English.*
Bus Attendant: OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR! NOT RELEVANT!
Judge: Objection denied. I want to know what kind of Burek Mr Surname had.
Mr Surname: It was spinach, your honour. It was great.
Mr Surname: At 3pm I was ushered on to the bus by the English speaking ticket agent. After crossing the border a few hours later, I noticed we had missed Prizren altogether. I panicked and ran to the front of the bus, and said, ‘I need to go to Prizren. Why did we not stop at Prizren?’
Gibson: And what did the Bus driver say, Mr X?
Mr Surname: I can’t remember exactly. It was something along the lines of…… ‘PRIZREN? PRISHTINE! PRISHTINE!’
I was frustrated. And when we arrived in Pristina, it was raining. And I had nowhere to stay. So I curled up next to a trashcan and cried.
Gibson: That’s terrible Mr Surname. You must have been scared.
Mr Surname: I was. I also wet myself.
At this point, both the Bus Attendant and Bus Driver stand up and start yelling things about Prizren and Pristine over and over
Judge: SILENCE IN COURT! I will not accept yelling in my courtroom. Jesus Christ, surely I deserve a better job than this. Look, I’ve heard enough. We’ll reconvene in 30 minutes for a decision.
The court room empties quickly. The Before Your Job Kills You Legal Team leave to discuss strategy in a back room somewhere, whilst the Bus Driver and his Attendant pull up a table and share a pack of Malboro Lights and 3 litres of Peja Beer.
Judge: Ladies and Gentlemen, in the case of Before Your Job Kills You versus a Kosovan Bus Driver, the plaintiff presents a compelling argument. It is clear to me that the defendant – Mr Bus Driver – neglected his duties and cost the plaintiff both time and money. Also, the defendant’s persistent shouting of two words over and over is not really a defence at all.
The Before Your Job Kills You Team all turn and grin at each other, presumptuously high-fiving the air.
Judge: HOWEVER. *The court drops deathly silent*
Mondays’ events did take place in the defendant’s home country. And In accordance with section 452 of the Unwritten Travel Manifesto, the defending party are justified in their negligent, shouty behaviour. This act reads:
‘When travelling in a foreign country, shit happens’.
So despite an overwhelming evidence in the favour of the plaintiff, I am awarding this case to the defendant.
There is a look of disbelief amongst the Before Your Job Kills You Team. Mr Surname hammers his fist on the desk in front of him before barking, ‘Your Honour, this is total nonsense!’
Judge: FURTHERMORE, Mr Surname, the Law is the Law. And the law of unwritten travel classes you as a bit whiny. As such, I am sentencing you to two more months of chaotic, unruly travel. Things will continue to go wrong. But you will shut up and enjoy it.