All artwork is my own. You can steal it, but why would you? I mean, a five year old could do better. Don’t be pathetic.
Recently ranked #1 in National Travel Lust Magazine’s ‘Places To Go Right Now or Kill Yourself, You Loser’ Hype List, Generic Tourist Destination has every serious traveller talking.
Situated 100km off Malta’s southern coast, Generic Tourist Destination is a quintessential Mediterranean paradise that sits at a gorgeous 44 degrees Celcius year-round.
Nothing more than an obscure beach town full of hippies at the turn of the century, it’s accession into the NTLOG Alliance in 2005 has allowed it to become something more than a candy jar for the many manipulative, natural resource-hungry nations in the surrounding region.
(NTLOG – Nations That Lean On Germany)
Generic Tourist Destination has since evolved into a modern and cosmopolitan settlement, all whilst (miraculously) retaining it’s tremendous historical and natural beauty.
Although its’ tourism sector has experienced considerable growth since the days when immigration was just a dude with a nightstick getting hammered on full proof rum in a bamboo hut, Generic Tourist Destination is still relatively unknown to the greater world.
But with several international tourist agents increasingly offering brain-dead holiday packages to the wider public, that will soon change.
Now is the time to visit. Don’t be one of those suckers that missed the boat. When you’re laying decrepit on your death bed, don’t let your last words be, “I wish I had visited Generic Tourist Destination that one summer fifty years ago, before it became a hellhole with a McDonalds serving kid-ified regional specialties.”
Visiting Generic Tourist Destination this year is an opportunity like no other. And there is something for everyone – city revellers, beach lovers, history nerds, thrill seekers, wildlife junkies, and folks that like to travel 7000 miles to lay under a tree and do a coconut full of pills, that the local government haven’t got around to legislating yet.
Here are the top 10 things you CANNOT miss:
1. World Renowned Structure of Old
If there’s one thing you simply CANNOT miss during your visit to Generic Tourist Destination, it’s the magical World Renowned Structure of Old. Should you accidentally waste 13 days of your trip laying next to a hole full of chlorinated water, and only have a solitary morning to capture some culture before your flight home, then this is the only place to be. Why? Because it’s a heritage site that is really old, and it’s in all the guide books on the first page.
Built somewhere between 600 and 6000 years ago by a civilization whose existence is based largely on academic speculation, this jaw dropping monolith is a sight to behold. The large crumbling relic has stood the test of time thanks to some intensive ‘restoration’ efforts down the years (a few steel girders, a new roof, a partial rebuild), but retains much of its’ original ethereal charm.
Be warned! This site gets extremely busy. It is estimated that approximately 270,000
Chinese people come to see the structure every year, with high season (December-March) being especially hectic.
Gates open at 5:00. But it’s advisable to start queuing from 4:00 and be one of the first on to the site. Make your way straight to the Structure, located North-East of the Ancient City. Here you’ll get the opportunity to witness the sacred wonder amidst the warm glow of the rising sun. An experience that mustn’t be missed.
Tour buses begin arriving from 7:30, and the site gets noticeably busier from 9:30 (30 minutes after hotel breakfast buffets finish). If you’re any later in arriving to the site, then we recommend administering a fairly significant dose of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide to rescue any remaining scraps of awe, in face of the repulsive waves of conveyor-belt tour groups pouring in.
How Do I Get A Ticket?
Being so popular, it’s best to book months in advance through the official site, (or the official reseller) to ensure you aren’t left disappointed.
It is possible to acquire tickets on arrival, although you are at the mercy of the childish ticketing system, which distributes returned and unsold tickets at random, based on unpredictable mood swings.
Be wary of touts!
We never recommend buying tickets from the black market. Often they come at a 50% markup, and are made from the fingernails of slave children. If you are harried by a tout, the best course of action is to shake your head to signal your disinterest. If they continue to pest you, then a right hook to the liver is normally enough to send them packing.
Souvenirs can be purchased at the official gift shop near the exit of the site. If you wish to purchase an arbitrary gift to mark your visit – such as a wooden frog – there are 79 opportunities to do so between the box office and the site entrance.
2. Statue of A Man Pointing
Nothing quite embodies the spirit of Generic Tourist Destination like the Statue of A Man Pointing. Certainly, the locals like to point and stare, but that’s not what I mean.
As it is understood, The Statue of A Man Pointing was constructed in the 1960’s to honour the man pointing, who lead Generic Tourist Destination to Independence, and then pointed. What was he pointing at? Such questions are waved off by locals, who insist that it’s just frivolous detail, but also claim the statue to be a crucial part of their tradition and identity. What was his name? Again, not important.
Rumour has it that all original documents chronicling the events that led up to the man pointing, were ‘misplaced’ by city curators – but it is best not to mention this to the locals, who can get hyper defensive.
So despite appearing to be little more than a concrete mass without a credible backstory, it is a valuable part of the city’s culture, and therefore worth a gander.
The Statue of A Man Pointing is especially focal during local festivities and sporting events, where friends and families tend to get hellaciously drunk and swim in the fountain surrounding the statue.
This was recently the scene during Generic Tourist Destination’s dramatic 2016 Under 16’s World Cup Preliminary Pre-Qualifying win against Generic Rival Nation, which triggered a wild three week celebration, after which a two week national holiday was declared by the Government.
3. Visit Ancient Ancient Tribal Mud Village, Who Most Likely Just Want To Be Left Alone
If you fancy getting away from the hustle and bustle of Generic Tourist Destination for the day, just a short 4 hour journey outside of the main city is the Ancient Ancient Tribal Mud Village, who are desperate for more iPhone wielding narcissists to come and invade their serene rural existence.
To have a more authentic village experience and see what simple country life is like over the span of 24 hours, a nominal fee with get you a night of accommodation with a local family. Is this ethical? Contrary to what sustainability campaigners say, the Ancient Ancient Tribal Mud Village are not under heavy pressure from the tourism sector at all, and are delighted to have complete strangers living in their wooden hut with them every night.
Should you be utterly dead inside (and coincidentally travelling with a large budget), then it may be worth considering a few nights in the new AURA Gold hotel complex, built on the edge of the village last year. This way you can get an immersive village experience while simultaneously having the western comforts of a spa, room service, and a fully equipped gym.
Currently there are two ways to get to the Ancient Ancient Tribal Mud Village from the city: 25 buses daily starting from 6:00, leaving every 30 minutes from outside the town hall. Price: 780 BLAH for foreigners, 12 BLAH for Nationals
Or if you want to DIY, take Local Bus number 78 to the River, catch Ferry number 8 to Unpronounceable Junction, walk 1km to Generic Outskirts Train Station, get the train to Broken Provincial Town, and from there you’ll need to get a tuk-tuk or shared taxi the remaining 13km to the village. Total cost on paper with this method is 400 BLAH, although expect to be scammed on at least two sections of the journey.
4. Viewpoint of City
A breathtaking panoramic view of Generic Tourist Destination awaits visitors near the summit of Large Mountain. From here you’ll be able to gaze over the dazzling Generic Bay, and grab those essential snaps of you, arms aloft, quivering in a state of cosmic bliss.
The recently opened cable-car system is the most scenic method of reaching the viewpoint, but some engineering blunders during construction mean it is prone to the occasional breakdown. The view can be accessed by Public Bus (number 68), but perhaps the most rewarding way is to hike up the 10km mountain trail by foot. The trail to the top is clearly marked and signposted, bar a junction 2km up from the trail head. Here it branches off in to two well trodden paths – but the left turning is the one you need to take. The right turning leads to the cavern of one thousand cobras, which is as dangerous as it sounds.
The viewpoint is popular at sunset, where it serves as a haunt for heavy make out sessions amongst the city’s younger population. Urban folklore has it that almost a third of the city’s residents were conceived at the viewpoint.
Cable Car Hours: 7:00 – 19:00
Price: 200 BLAH for Foreigners, 50 BLAH for Nationals.
Alcohol is prohibited until 7pm, at which time site staff begin drinking, aggressively.
5. Famous Religious Building [Brought To You By GlideNet]
It is estimated that a third of the city’s economy sits in the 24 carat gold skirting of the Famous Religious Building [Brought To You By GLIDEnet]. If nothing else, it’s worth coming to witness this opulent trimming to appreciate just how affluent this religion is (and comparatively poor the homeless guys sleeping near the entrance are).
Roughly 60% of the local population are devout followers of Large Impersonal Belief System, and visit the Church once a week to give thanks and pay their dues.
This renaissance era building is beautifully decorated and carries some astonishing murals, making it a treat for artistic minds.
Photography is considered disrespectful, and therefore is strictly forbidden inside the main building. Unless you pay the 150 BLAH camera fee that is, which enables you to take pictures, shame free.
Note: If you wish to use a drone inside the main chapel, an additional 100 BLAH charge is levied.
Being a place of a worship, only those wearing appropriate dress will be permitted entrance in to Famous Religious Building [Brought To You By GLIDEnet]. To avoid disappointment, we recommend wearing long sleeves and trousers. We do however advise against wearing baggy pants emblazoned with Elephants. Sleeping inside the building is prohibited, and guards have been known to refuse entry to individuals who look like they’re getting ready for bed.
Being sponsored by one of the country’s largest telecom companies, the Famous Religious Building [Brought To You By GLIDEnet] not only offers free WiFi, but has one of the fastest download speeds in the country. Bizarre.
6. Taste The Local Delicacy, Which Is 97% Sugar and Oil
Regarded as a ‘Foodie Heaven’ by clickbaity Bloggers everywhere, Generic Tourist Destination has a prominent street food culture that cooks up a variety of weird and wonderful eats for the habitually grazing locals.
While some of the delicacies on offer may appear like rudimentary chunks of animal carcass on a stick, that are only spoken of in favourable terms because they exist within the realm of an exotic and lauded cuisine, there is a whole spectrum of flavour and novelty awaiting the individual who surrenders to indulgence.
The best, and most accessible entry point to Generician food is the Central Night Market. Open from 19:00 daily, there are numerous vendors here selling handmade trinkets, clothing, and bags with owls on. But most people come for the food, of which there is plenty.
First head to Dorlah’s Chukeh cart in front of the Post Office for some of Generic Tourist Destination’s famous Chukeh (Animal Carcass On A Stick). After being featured on Season 3 of Zany Chef Travels The World Eating Things, Dorlah’s cart has earned a reputation amongst visitors as the best Chukeh in the city (Funny how that happens).
Chukeh is prepared by taking an unspecified piece of animal flesh, and jamming a wooden stick through it. Which is then marinated in a special sauce consisting of herbs, spices, sugar and oil (mostly the latter two), before being deep-fried in a vat of industrial engine oil. The end result? A delicious, hyper-palatable snack that will have you coming back for more. And more and more, until it’s 3am, and you’re wailing in horror on the toilet, as your bowel performs a deep, explosive cleanse.
Totally worth it.
Next, head down the street for the city’s favourite sweet – Au Gerfgef (Deep Fried Banana Treacle Butter Bread w/ Chocolate Cheese & Cream Sugar Paste).
At a whopping 1,500 calories per serving, one would expect this to be a treat saved for special occasions only. But one would be mistaken. When it comes to eating, Genericians operate under the maxim, ‘Ohf Ohf Dego’, which translates roughly to, ‘I am alive, let’s eat.’
And since their superior genetics ensure they stay exceptionally lean, year round (somehow bypassing the metabolic energy systems that rest of us earthlings have to live with), calories are viewed as nothing more than an abstract concept. As such, Au Gerfgef is consumed after meals, as a late night snack, as a breakfast side, with Coffee, and just when people get bored.
Other Foods To Try
Mang O From Degure (Cheese Bread)
Mang O Mang (Bread coated in Bread Sauce)
Azgov Bengov (Eye of Goat marinated in Sheep Eye)
Al Bengov Al Azgov (Chin of Goat marinated in Sheep Eye & Stuffed with Apples)
Fine Diners should look to make reservations at Rozo. Awarded a third of a Michelin star last year, Chef Rozo serves up high-end Generician fare whilst behaving like an arrogant tosser the whole time.
7. The Vibrant Nightlife
Labelled “A City That Never Sleeps”* by acclaimed writer John Bohemian-Artist during the 1970’s, Generic Tourist Destination has a reputation for being an island of rambunctious revelry, once the sun goes down.
If you looking for a night of excitement, then head to Mon Chango Plaza in the city’s Gentrified District. This area has received a considerable face lift in the past few years and is home to the city’s most exclusive bars and restaurants.
*This quotation was taken out of context. The full quote (from his memoir, General Emotions On A Generic Island) in its’ original form reads: “This is a city that never sleeps. Except during the day.”
How To Party Like A Local!
The Generic Tourist Destination locals are an extremely attractive bunch, and take their appearance deadly serious. Smart-casual is the protocol in most establishments, but seeing as though everyone here wakes up in the morning looking like they’ve come straight from a Givenchy photo shoot, it is worth putting in extra effort to keep your head above water.
The night usually begins no earlier than 3:00 (am) when friends slowly gather at one of the Plaza’s many cafes, to drink Coffee and gossip.
Six or seven espressos later, the group moves to one of the city’s popular bars for Beer, Local Liquor, and snacks. Once everyone is suitably leathered (normally around 7:00am), the party relocates to a dance club (such as Expire orThe Cattle Market) for shots and dancing until 11:00, when everyone leaves for some sloppy drunken sex, before heading off to work.
Did You Know?
It is considered a major faux pas to be seen out any earlier than 2:00 (am), and in doing so an individual can expect to be shunned from a social circle for many weeks. Most Genericians take this social shaming in their stride however, and take the opportunity to catch up on the months of sleep they’ve deprived themselves of. Although these social conventions don’t generally apply to tourists, most bars won’t even open their doors until the early hours – so don’t expect an early night!
8. Museum Containing Old Plates, and Such
Situated in Generic Tourist Destination’s Old Town (In the Generician language they call the area ‘Old Town’, which translates in English to ‘Old Town’) the Museum Containing Old Plates, and Such offers a fascinating insight into the island’s history.
Displaying antiques ranging from plates that are old to things that are similar to old plates, this museum deserves your attention, and shouldn’t be written off as something you’d go to merely because you’ve done everything else, and are now resorting to scraping the bottom of the guidebook barrel in search of amusement.
If you plan to visit the museum this year, you may be fortunate enough to catch the ‘Plates of Old’ Exhibition, which features many old plates, including The Dinner Plate of King Damros II, a plate of armour used in the Battle of Two Nations in Close Proximity, and strangely, the 1993 Wimbledon Women’s runners up trophy, which is arguably not a plate, nor especially old, but is on display nonetheless.
Should you wish to examine the large collection of plates (and such) on show in minute detail, then this museum will take an hour of your time. Uncouth swine only here for a philistinic surface skim? Then the museum can be completed in 83 seconds (at a pace of 7 plates viewed/second).
There is no entry free for the museum, but you are asked for a compulsory donation of 80 BLAH.
9. Characterless Modern Shopping Malls
Two new, completely identical shopping complexes have been built in the last five years – the Shopping Mall Owned By A Middle-Eastern Oil Magnate Centre downtown, and [point:buy] on the outskirts of the city.
Both offer premium commerce experiences where you can purchase designer handbags with price tags that have been brutalised by customs duty. On the other end of the spectrum, cheap household items that you didn’t know you needed until you happen to be standing at the checkout with them, can picked up at Everything!, where all items costs 100 BLAH or less.
If shopping isn’t your idea of an acceptable pastime, there is entertainment to be had on the fourth floor of both complexes, which house a food court and a ten-screen cinema.
The food court is home to all your western comfort foods, such as Jangles. This is a Generician joint that attempts to recreate the spirit of American fast food chains, only at a much higher price point, with smaller portions, no refills, inflated ketchup charges, and with a menu containing over fifteen rice dishes. The silver-lining? Generic Tourist Destination has no restrictions on the commercial sale of alcohol, and for the cost of a Jangles double-cheese ‘epic’ meal, you can have a five litre tower of National Flag Beer delivered to your table.
All of the big Hollywood blockbusters are screened at the cinema, with English subtitles. The catch being (due to complicated distribution rights) that they are blockbusters from five years ago.
The most popular activity amongst visitors is to amble around the mall concourse feeling disillusioned, wondering why you flew half way across the world to a tropical island with screensaver worthy beaches, only to find yourself lost inside a building that is so intensively air-conditioned, that you need to enter the local interpretation of H&M to buy a sweater.
An exercise in absurdity that shouldn’t be missed.
10. Interact With Endangered Animal In Sanctuary That Is Most Certainly Not Run Like A Business, Because If That’s What You’re Thinking You’d Be Wrong. It’s Way More Ethical Than You’ll Ever Be, You Piece of Garbage.
What would an island in the middle of the ocean be if it wasn’t rampant with creatures great and small? Generic Tourist Destination is home to a vast array of wildlife, including some extremely rare animals that are exclusive to this magical island.
None are more elegant and endearing than the Lamfe, which despite looking vacant and bored most of the time, love to interact with large tour groups. Add the fact they they are slow and incapable of killing anything, and you have a creature that is tailor made for tourist exhibitions.
Sadly, the demand for Lamfe has lead to exploitation by local entrepreneurs looking to turn a quick buck, and years of abuse have caused them to dwindle in population.
However, the recent rise of eco-tourism (and the virtue-signalling of internet warriors everywhere) has paved the way for a more sustainable industry. And consequently, in an effort to protect this endangered species – whilst not using them for any kind of financial gain whatsoever, HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE AS SUCH – 153 sanctuaries have been formed across the island.
Luckily for visitors who can stump up the 1500 BLAH conservation/gift/donation/contribution/pledge/anything-but-an-entrance-fee, these sanctuaries open their doors for visitations, 365 days a year.
Freedom Lamfe Sanctuary is regarded as the most ethical of all, ensuring that the animals are not mistreated in any way. On the contrary – the Lamfe here are afforded daily pineapple buffets, and are bathed with the frequency of royalty.
There has been some strong voices within the community insisting that the Lamfe should be released back in to the wild, where they came from. But Sanctuary Lamfe expert Albak, has dismissed these suggestions, stating:
“No, that would be a terrible idea. These Lamfe are now highly domesticated animals, and couldn’t survive in the Jungle. In some cases they have been shown so much affection, that they’ve developed a celebrity complex. We even had one Lamfe who did duck face for a tourist camera. This is extremely concerning.”
(Lamfe = Large Adorable Mammal Facing Extinction)
I do Instagram, and I hate every minute of it.